Where's the Hurt? A Conversation with Atlanta Moms

My pastor Andy Stanley always encourages people to “pay attention to the tension.”

It’s paying attention to the tension I heard from endless stories of heartbreak, exclusion, and failure from parents and students alike that drove me to open Whitehead Learning Group. Another favorite Andy quip is “What breaks your heart?” He asserts that by identifying a deficiency in the world (social, economical, educational, humanitarian, etc.), we’re able to put dialogue around the causes we care the most about. For me, that has to do with education, and most specifically, equipping students with the tools so they feel empowered to thrive.

Whether we do that from our Atlanta office or by partnering with Thrive Global Project to send backpacks full of school supplies to vulnerable students halfway across the world, that’s the heartbeat of what we do.

And, I always want to pay attention to the tension—the dialogue and common themes I hear directly from parents and students. That begins with identifying where the hurt is.

So, where’s the hurt?

Last week, I had the opportunity to attend Feast and Flourish, a monthly gathering for Atlanta moms at Peachtree Presbyterian Church. From the website, the group leaders nicely encapsulate the mission of the program: “Feast and Flourish is designed to provide spiritual nourishment and practical parenting wisdom for moms who have children in kindergarten through 4th grade.”

In April’s spotlight, Peachtree Pres hosted Morgan DiOrio, a local therapist. With experience in the school counseling space prior to opening her own practice, Morgan shed a unique perspective on how elementary school moms can be equipped with proven strategies when it comes to navigating change. The presentation highlighted that as parents, we want to see our kids succeed.

Parents want to see their children thrive.

Yet, with certain socio-emotional development, comes behavior changes, learning differences, and an overall rise in emotional maturity. The struggles—academic, social, or emotional—can lead to a healthy sense of resilience, which is a moral and necessary part of successful development.

Just this week, we brought your attention to a latest study in pediatric psychiatric development—in the terms of categorizing your child as either a dandelion or an orchid. UCSF Pediatrics and Psychiatry Professor Dr. Thomas Boyce, in his new book, “The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive,” unpacks the latest science when it comes to raising sensitive children. Dandelion kids, he argues, are “fairly resilient and able to cope with stress and adversity in their lives.'“ We all want to be raising dandelion kids. Yet, a a minority of kids, those Dr. Boyce calls "orchid children," are more sensitive and biologically reactive to their circumstances, which makes it harder for them to deal with stressful situations. If you want to read more to discover where your child falls in the flower scale, take a look at the article here.

Parents want to be there for their kids.

At Feast and Flourish, moms learned that they shouldn’t rescue their children. Guess what? It actually does more harm than good and confirms the child’s worst fears about themselves—they can’t do this on their own. Rather than providing that safety net that moms think they’re doing, moms are actually doing more harm than good to disrupt their child’s natural, intrinsic quest for resilience and self-advocacy.

When parents choose to recruit an expert, they want someone they can trust.

Good parents realize that seeking outside help doesn’t make them inferior parents, “less than” mothers, or inadequate fathers. Rather, parents have the unique opportunity to model something invaluable for their kids—they don’t have all the answers. But, seeking wise counsel from those who are in a different season a couple chapters further in life’s book or can provide some specific expertise and wisdom to the situation at hand illustrates the power of collaboration. In fact, it was Karl Ludwig von Knebel who asserted that “he who can take advice is sometimes superior to him who can give it.” Be receptive and humble enough to add someone to your student’s team.

Parents don’t just want an expert—they someone who will join their child’s advocacy team.

With resources just a click away, parents have the power to be more informed, equipped, and influenced than ever before. Yet, what happens when your child has a 103 degree fever? Do you just google quick-fixes on WebMD? No, you call your trusted pediatrician or even get a second opinion from a friend who specializes in another area of medicine—just in case. When your son shows a natural talent for a musical instrument, do you plop him in front of YouTube? No, you research the best musical teachers in the area and sign him up for private weekly lessons. What if your daughter expresses chronic stress or generalized anxiety about friends or grades? Do you quickly remind her that all this won’t matter in 10 years if she could just get a grip? No, you call your mom friends, tap into your church’s youth ministry leaders for advice, read parenting advice, scour the Internet, and maybe even contact your daughter’s school guidance counselor or consider outside therapists. And throughout all these examples, the act of recruiting an advocate, cheerleader, or coach to your family’s team unit bolsters your child’s experience. Not only do you as the parent get the benefit of a sounding board, but your child gets another leader on his/her team and is able to be the recipient of advocacy and support in the guided confines of experience. Why would you go through life alone on an island? After all, “he who is taught only by himself has a fool for his master.” (Ben Jonson)

You don’t just add anyone to your bench.

If that were the case, simple website searches for how-to’s and tutorials would suffice. Instead, I’ve had coffee with Atlanta moms who are looking for someone to come alongside them during these periods of high stress and anxiety—typically during seasons of transition (school placement and college planning, I’m looking at you!). I’ve had phone calls with parents who just want to “download” after school tours, meetings with teachers, psychologists, and counselors, or even after scouring open houses with realtors. Parents are looking for someone to climb into the weeds with them. If we’re honest with ourselves, there’s something innate in all of us that wants just that. Being able to process issues at work, questions about next steps, or even download relationships/friendships with a trusted other is invaluable—and it just highlights the truth that we were built for community and never designed to do life alone.

Asking for help doesn’t make you look weak. It shows that you care.

I’m blessed to have my own tribe of mentors on my personal advisory board. Their insight and feedback is invaluable to me as I navigate personal and professional changes. Because, after all, if you’re the smartest person in the room—you’re in the wrong room.