From Parent to Partner
Moving from Parent to Partner In the College Admissions Experience
by Rick Clark
Three Common Challenges and Solutions
Stay Curious and Provide Perspective:
Challenge: When students view college admission as a process, the focus is on precise actions and a specific outcome. Unfortunately, process thinking leads students to believe one bad grade, fifty points “too low” on their SAT, or missing out on roles like captain or president will ruin their chances of being admitted to their “top choice” or “dream school.”
Solution: Parents can shift this myopic perspective, helping their students view college admission as an experience. When parents adopt and model an experience versus process mentality, their intent is to listen, research, learn, and examine preconceived notions. They focus more on understanding their student’s hopes, goals, and dreams than on analyzing the US News and World Report rankings. They communicate their excitement about exploring college options and embrace the uncertain adventure of where the journey will end, rather than obsessing about putting a particular university bumper sticker on the car. While a process prioritizes outcome, experience centers relationship.
Let Go of the Small Things:
Challenge: One of the most challenging but essential lessons for parents and students in the college admission experience is acknowledging the lack of control over how admission decisions and scholarship offers. Letting go of the small things means using track changes to make comments or suggestions on a student’s essay and serving as an editor, rather than having their name effectively be a pseudonym. It means trusting them to initiate with teachers to write recommendation letters rather than stepping in as a deadline approaches.
Solution: After years of arranging activities, preparing meals, and washing countless loads of laundry, this is not going to be easy, and it may not feel natural either, but letting go of the small things is critical. Taking stock of what tasks are the parent’s and which are the student’s will help release control in the heat of the moment.
Allow the student to take charge of their own process.
Prepare for Disappointment:
Challenge: College admission is not fair, and it is not something that can be controlled; inequities exist; and some level of disappointment is inevitable. In moments of disappointment in the college admission experience, students need from parents what they will ultimately need when things do not go their way in college–unequivocal support and unconditional love.
Solution: Talk to other parents who have gone through the application process before.
After students submit their college applications, they will have to wait. Too often they spend unnecessary energy angsting or speculating about admission decisions they cannot control, and never pause to consider how they are going to handle the results.
Ask them to visualize the decision moment (similar to athletic training) and various scenarios. Suggest ways they might use their breath, a prayer, or a mantra in preparation for and immediately after receiving college admission news.
Consider how they have reacted to disappointing information in the past and prepare accordingly. If they tend toward anger, create a safe place to let off steam. If activity is their go-to outlet, have running shoes nearby. If they typically cry and go numb, place comforting pillows and warm blankets in the room, in case they are needed.
Allow them time to process admission decisions and regain emotional balance. Resist the urge to act or attempt to fix, and instead simply offer a supportive presence, “I can see how tough this is for you, and I know you can get through it.”
When they are ready, take time to discuss some of your past disappointments and you ultimately persisted or grew as a result.
Provide perspective and build their stamina by focusing on their many strengths and reiterating their long- term goals all remain viable.