How to Help "Complex" Kids
Impact Parents: Parenting with Impact Podcast
By Kolby Kail M.S., CCC-SLP, COM, Parenting Coach
Tips to Help Your Complex Kids:
You are the First Solution to Your Child’s Challenges
Because you are your child's primary advocate, medical manager, teacher, coach, and cheerleader -- you need to be well-informed AND you need support and guidance to use that information effectively in your daily life. Parent management training -- to better understand what's going on with your kids and how you can help them achieve success -- is recommended treatment for most childhood conditions, particularly when executive function development is impacted. Create a team that supports you, and surround your- self with people who will help you -- so that you can really help your child.
Set the Tone of Your Home Intentionally
Many parents feel like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly working hard to avoid meltdowns or explosions, or yelling more than you’d like. And you can actually shift that. Think about what’s important to you in family life, what you want your children to remember about their childhood decades from now. Do you want more music? More laughter? More game-playing? More stimulating conversations? Begin to think about what’s important to you so you can create the energy you want in your home.
Consciously Manage Triggers
Yours and theirs: Before you can effectively manage all the triggered reactions in your home, you need to understand what’s going on in the brain, why it’s getting triggered, and what needs to happen in order to manage it better. We’re all human, and sometimes we are all going to react when we experience life as threatening or out of control. We might yell, or get defensive, or hide, or avoid, or escape. That’s actually normal. If you have a lot of triggered reactivity in your home -- from you or your kids -- get some help and learn strategies to manage those triggers.
Focus on One thing at a Time
Have you ever heard the term, “slow down to speed up?” It’s sage advice for parenting. You can do everything eventually, but not all at the same time. And when you try to do everything at once, it tends to get overwhelming -- either for you, your kids, or both. We expect them to learn so much -- so often -- that we tend to move on to the next thing before they’ve really gotten good at the last thing. So slow down a bit -- and give them a chance to feel some success. Less is more, here, we promise. "But my child has so many challenges, how can I choose just one?" you ask. When you focus on one thing at a time, it takes the pressure off, reduces the overwhelm and allows for incremental progress, which leads to lasting change.
Instead of Getting Furious, Get Curious
When you experience your kids as rude or disrespectful, don’t know
how to help a situation or tend to take things personally, or just can’t figure out what’s causing behaviors that make you go a bit bonkers, use the classic coaching tool of curiosity to curb your frustration. Think about the situation from as many angles as possible: your child's perspective, their sibling, the teacher, the dog, the babysitter ... whomever. Put on your 'compassionate detective’ hat and ask yourself what’s really going. What thoughts or feelings might be leading to a particular behavior or lack of action? You may only see the tip of the iceberg, at first, and so that’s the place to start. Over time, stay curious and more will reveal itself.
Assume Best Intentions (ABI) & Acknowledge Effort
It may not always seem like it, but our kids want to do their best when they can -- in school and in life. If they aren't meeting a mark or are struggling to manage their emotions in some way, more than likely something is hard for them or they have not yet gotten a handle on something that’s expected of them. Start with the assumption that they’re doing the best they can. Focus on any strengths you can identify, and then acknowledge their feelings (like disappointment or frustration) or challenges. Let them know you understand they’re trying BEFORE you start to disagree or redirect. When things don’t go as planned, acknowledge what they tried to do. When they are hijacked by an emotion, let them know you see it’s hard for them.
Shift your Perspective: Is it Naughty or Neurological?
Once you slow down and get curious, or any time you find yourself thinking "Why can't they just ... ?" or "What on earth were they thinking?" -- shift your perspective by asking yourself this question: Is it naughty or neurological? With a complex kid, even if an unwanted behavior has some component that is naughty, chances are there is a significant part of it that is neurological (or maybe metabolic, depending on the child’s challenges). When you focus on that, you’re less likely to get triggered yourself and better able to focus on the reality of the moment. Get a clearer picture of the underlying challenge your child is facing or the skill they may not have achieved...yet. Look for other explanations besides naughty before you start with that assumption.
Take a Marathon View: Meet Them Where They Are
With a long-term perspective (marathon view), you can meet kids where they are by setting realistic expectations based on their developmental capabilities, regardless of their age. Scaffolding those areas where they are (still) struggling actually helps you keep moving them toward independence.
Understand Your Role in Empowering Ownership
As parents, we play many roles in our children’s lives, and ideally those roles change as our children mature. We all start off as their directors, but sometimes we get stuck and forget that our overall job is to prepare our kids to become the directors of their own lives. They’re not going to wake up one morning able to do everything on their own! We must gradually transfer ownership to them, starting very early. Ask their input about how they would handle things, allow them to do things differently than you might, and try not to make everything a battle for control. Every action you take as a parent can be part of the process of moving your kids towards independence. To foster their ownership of themselves, let go of things that could be in their control and invite them to take ownership of them, celebrate their successes large and small, and help them become self-reliant in little ways, step by step.
Focus on Processes Instead of Outcomes
Our kids don’t typically have an internal “just get it done” button to achieve their goals (or ours). They struggle with challenges that make it difficult for them to do what we ask. When we tell them to ‘try harder’ or ‘study more’ without helping them understand why it’s hard for them, or how to change their behaviors, we’re not setting them up for success. Instead, they need to understand and accept what’s difficult for them, and see the benefit in using some system or method to overcome their challenges. ‘Outcomes’ are not nearly as important as learning how to create systems. So begin to hold your child accountable to using processes: focusing on studying ten minutes daily instead of getting an “A;” using calming strategies when upset instead of not getting triggered; or getting back on track instead of not getting distracted. Show them that how they do things is every bit as important as doing it perfectly or getting it right.
Prioritize Yourself
Set your kids up for success by taking care of yourself. Pace Yourself. Parenting complex kids is more like a marathon than a sprint. Many of our kids are challenged with developmental delays that can take years to catch up, and so it's important to allow them time to improve. There are no magic formulas to change things overnight. Focus on keeping your energy steady for the long-haul. It takes a combination of planning, systems, accountability and self-care (yes, you!) to rise to each new challenge as it comes up. Spend some time figuring out what supports will help you. Admit that you have a challenging role as a caretaker and advocate, and commit to getting the best support for yourself -- so that you can be fully able to help your child. When you put yourself back on your list, the whole family benefits!
Practice Non-Judgment -- For Your Kids and Yourself
In the face of all the challenges you and your child are facing, ask yourself, "What's really important?" Is it others' opinions or judgments? Is it all the things everyone thinks you ‘should’ be doing? Or do you want to focus on meeting your child where they are now? Provide the support your child needs most to learn to manage themselves and let go of any judgment that is making it difficult for you to be the parent your child needs you to be, the parent you want to be for this complex child. Your child is not wrong for struggling, or for not being ready for what the world expects of them. And you’re not wrong for doing things differently from other parents. Let go of how other people see you and your child, and start focusing on what is more important: building your child’s self-esteem.